Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
