Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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