I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
