she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We left an ass print on the piano.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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