I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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