I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
