Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
