I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
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You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize