Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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