put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
