twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
