You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
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Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
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My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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