Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
