I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
