awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
