Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize