Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
