I must be too annoying 4 u.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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