So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
