It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
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You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
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you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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