Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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