im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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