Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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