My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
