I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Randomize
