I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
