Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
