okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
