Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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