areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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