he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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