Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
