dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
