I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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