i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
