i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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