Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
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I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
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I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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