you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
