so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
