i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Randomize
