i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
