I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
