I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
