I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
