Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
