I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
