i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
