He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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