I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
