it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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