it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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