fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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