I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
