so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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