do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
