Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
