just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
